As NJ private investigators, PES has been asked many times, is a cheating husband more common than a cheating wife? The answer is, its complicated. I am sure there are many surveys out there that claim to know the answer one way or the other. It’s easy to throw men under the bus because of stereotypes, however, from our experience, it must be said that in terms of cheating, it is dead-even. There may come a time when the volume of cheating men is way up and it seems every call we get is regarding a cheating husband or boyfriend. However, usually this is followed up quickly with an influx of cheating girlfriends or cheating wives. Also to be considered is the people who may not be calling us. In other words, if we get several cases involving a cheater of one sex, said sex may be the one that is reported on more often, and the other may be the one that is more suspicious by nature. We obviously do not know the ones that are not calling us. Then there are the people who will never even know it’s occurring, and also the gray areas like emotional infidelity, or those on the boarder “just flirting” etc. We must first define what we believe true infidelity is before asking these questions. In many cases, everyone has their own definition and they can vary dramatically from person to person. If we cant even define cheating, how could we have accurate numbers on it? These are the many reasons all statistics on cheaters are most likely inaccurate.

People in relationships commonly leave out certain facts when communicating with their significant other. It could be with little details or major issues. The motives of this can vary from simply protecting their lover from being hurt, to hiding themselves from being discovered for who they really are. In the course of our work as private eyes, we have uncovered every imaginable lie. From small things to very large things. As with the infidelity, we must say lying is also dead-even in terms of the persons sex. We may catch a woman in the deepest most elaborate of lies that we don’t think could be any more deceiving. Then this is topped by the next case in which a man is the perpetrator.

Advice From a Private Eye

Very often, as investigators we must wear two hats. We are given the role of the investigator and the psychologist. People constantly ask us for our advice and what to do in a given situation. Therefore, I will give some advice as if I am speaking with a retaliative or someone I love dearly. You probably wont hear such advice from any other investigator because it could discourage you from hiring an investigator.

So where does this leave us? Mixed messages thrown around everywhere make it very difficult to decide what to believe and who to trust. I’ve mentioned above that surveys cannot be trusted either. What’s left is one thing, our instincts. Trust your gut! The questions being asked here are the wrong ones. Some of the RIGHT questions can be found below:

-What are my personal preferences in my/any relationship?
-What do I define as cheating and what activities would upset me if I knew my partner was doing them?
-Have I tried my best to communicate and ask my partner about all of my concerns? If so, was I satisfied with the answers? If not, why?
-Do I trust my partner? If no, why not? Have I had issues with trust in the past?
-Do I have self esteem issues?

Personally, if I had any doubt whatsoever in my partner being faithful, I would not hire someone to follow them around, check up on them, track them etc. I would leave them ASAP. Let me be clear, I would need valid reasons for feeling this way, but if I had them, I wouldn’t hesitate, I would just leave. Many times its not even a matter of cheating, its a matter of trust. This is what you need to get to the bottom of. No one deserves to be lied to or cheated on, so no matter the situation, if this is happening to you, and you know it, just leave.

Conclusion:

Talk, talk, talk, communicate as much as possible with your partner. (If you plan to hire us, obviously do not tell them you hired a private eye to follow them. That is if you want the surveillance to be a success. Usually, this goes without saying but sometimes it must be said). Tell them what you are feeling and your insecurities. It’s possible that it is not about your partner. It could be about you. In this case, you need to look at yourself and say, “I am worth it. I do not deserve to be lied to, I do not deserve to be cheated on, anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with me.” If you are at a point where you are not sure and they haven’t given you a real reason to think they’ve cheated, then you need to take a closer look at yourself.

Obviously no one wants to be cheated on or lied to but at the end of the day, if we end up being deceived by someone there is nothing we can do. Some people are just really good liars and could convince anyone. Yet the only way we can live a happy fulfilling life is by getting out there and living. We need to trust people in order to be happy. If someone is going to take our trust and abuse it or completely destroy it, that’s on them. It should have no effect on us because they are the ones doing the wrong thing. All we can do is when they are finally caught or our suspicions are validated, take action and leave them.

I have seen too many people hire us looking for answers, and it just leads to more questions, they continue to torture themselves becoming increasingly paranoid planting bugs, trackers in their vehicles, cameras etc. I do not feel anyone is worth this. It doesn’t make much sense to take an already damaged trust situation and further damage it by going behind their back to have them followed. If someone has taken you to this point, then that relationship is beyond the point of no return.  However, there is a very specific situation where we are needed. When you need the clear answer to make a clear decision. Seek professional help if possible through relationship counseling etc. and as a last resort, hire us. Either way, my advice is to make a clear, defined, decision, and stick to it.

Side Note: This advice is not one size fits all, I realize situations can be very complicated with children, families, years in relationships etc. these are the situations we are here for as investigators. I refer to cases in which we may catch a cheater red handed, and the client still does not want to leave their spouse/partner, or even doubts the evidence we obtained which is clear as day. If you need to hire us in order to give yourself closure we will gladly take the case. Just make sure you have a plan, are prepared for the results, and try to make yourself aware of all the possibilities of what we could find.

All The Best,

Nicholas Melber